Tired… (Resolutions, Day 143)

I don’t know what it was about this week, but it’s felt really long. And I was working from home for three out of the five days, so they shouldn’t even count! I think it’s because I’m doing much less of my regular, repetitive work, and more answering questions from the newbies, or helping one of the people who’s been around nearly as long as me work on some training material. Yes, despite having only been there for six months now, it seems I’ve become somewhat of a veteran in our little team (or, not so little actually, there’s like twenty of us). Which means I often get called on to help give the final word when people aren’t sure how to proceed! I realise, btw, that this all sounds very vague, but that’s on purpose – I’m not telling you perverts where I work! Point is, though, that it does leave me with a decent amount of imposter syndrome – I definitely don’t really feel qualified to be telling anybody what to do, even if I do have more experience than any of them.

And I feel like that extends to my slut life a little, too. I’ve mentioned before how the definition of slut that Mistress Charlotte and I use for me doesn’t necessarily fit with the standard definition of the word – I don’t wear revealing clothing, or go out and get fucked, or etc etc. And even if standard definitions are total bullshit – and they are – it still weighs on me, a little. I couldn’t really tell you why! I love being a slut, I love being called one by Mistress all the time. I commented on one of Goddess Haylee’s Loyalfans posts, mentioning how much I was enjoying her recent AMAs, and she called me “slut” in her reply – I love that! But, like, if I were to go to a random person on the street and tell them I was a slut, after they stopped looking at me strangely, they’d probably have a very different idea of what my slutty activities are compared to the truth.

Honestly, what I really think is… I need to stop thinking about it. Or, just stop thinking in general, tbh. I listened to The River Lethe when Mistress Charlotte posted it on her Loyalfans, and it’s reminded me that I really did want to get back into listening to more hypno. None of this free will business, I just want my control to be gone, so I can live solely for the pleasure of my superiors. The pleasure of my Mistress. That’s probably what’s tiring me out, too – all this thinking for myself. I’m simply not made for it, am I? Much better to hand over my power to someone better suited to it, and just drop to my knees in submissive bliss. I just want to be a good object, to serve a purpose and serve it well. A thing, for Mistress to enjoy, and show off to her friends – “oh, you just HAVE to get one, they’re so useful!”. I think that’s the best word for it, really. Useful. Finally put to good use. Used, for somebody else’s purpose. And… I think I’ve just started quoting Blackout, if I remember correctly. That’s… probably a good thing, right? It’s not really a surprise, tbh – Project Trance-Formation must have some of my highest listening hours at this point. What can I say, they’re really fucking good!

Anyway, tomorrow is the weekend! The last weekend of the month, to be precise. Which also means it’ll be my last few soufflé attempts. I… don’t know how they’re going to go, tbh. Like I’ve mentioned before, I felt like I was pretty close a few attempts ago, and now it’s just all up in the air. I’ll definitely make one tomorrow (Saturday), and depending on how that goes, either one or two on Sunday. It’s easy to say looking back, but I do wonder if I should’ve made more attempts? It’d have meant more punishments, true, but also more experience which might end up having made the difference? Ah well, naught to be done about it now. I just hope I can really nail it in these last few – not “to avoid punishment”, I take that whenever it’s deserved. But more because I don’t want to let Mistress Charlotte down, I suppose. I want to make her proud of her slave, so she can be like “look at what my slutty little toy did!”. We can but hope. Thanks for reading.

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