Resolutions, Day 73

Today was probably the worst day so far in terms of my weird back pain – which now that I think about it, I don’t know if I actually mentioned it here? Basically, I was playing Ring Fit on the weekend, doing some jogging, when out of nowhere my back basically exploded. I wasn’t doing anything particularly strenuous, or moving in a weird way – literally just jogging to the next exercise. Anyway, since then it’s been really up and down – I was mostly fine on Monday, then when I got into work the next day I realised I wouldn’t be able to just sit there and work, so I went home. Stayed home again yesterday, although it did feel like it was getting better, but today it’s just been worse again, no matter what position I’m sitting in. I feel bad for taking time off for it, considering I’m basically sitting at a desk all day anyway, but it’s too annoying to ignore, and I think it’d be a real distraction. We’ll see what it’s like in the morning – I’ll either be off sick yet again or working from home, though, I think.

There are some benefits to staying home though, aside from being forced to lay on the couch all day. I listened to three of Mistress Charlotte’s sessions in a row earlier today – and it might be psychosomatic, but it felt like the combination of lying on the bed and hearing her relaxing voice really did help with the back stuff. The sessions I lined up were l’Objet d’Art, A Place Beneath, and Modification Therapy 3, which I’ve actually been listening to for the past couple nights. It’s probably my favourite of the trilogy? The whole concept is so manipulative and gaslighty- I mean, it’s so kind of the wonderful Doctor Gray to look me over and sort of my issues like she does! I’ve just been feeling all sorts of confused since the last time I saw her, but as soon as I step foot in her clinic everything becomes so clear. And, yes, maybe as soon as I get home from the clinic I start thinking slutty thoughts all over again, and then acting on them, and then I get confused all over again… But Doctor Gray is always there to clear things up for me.

Now, L’Objet d’Art. I’ve of course talked about this one a million billion times, but there’s always something new to discover. The main little detail I remember from today’s listening is the inclusion of one specific word – “enjoyed”. As in, I desire nothing more than becoming a toy to be used, an object to be enjoyed. It just really speaks to my biggest motivation behind objectification – the dehumanising is nice, of course, but the main attraction is the pleasure of my superiors, of the ones using me. I want to make myself better for them, for her, to become something more pleasing, a toy that will be enjoyed no matter which way it’s played with. To be used and useful is basically my highest goal at this point. To whom? Why, powerful women, of course. A Place Beneath remains an incredible classic to my mind, an exquisite reminder that I am exactly where I belong, below and beneath superior women, whose desires will always come first. It’s such a simple concept, but the way it’s presented, all the hypnotic techniques on display, make it stand out quite notably to me. It also ties in to l’Objet d’Art quite nicely, with the idea of working to support women, to provide them pleasure, to make their lives easier.

It’s not about me suffering (unless they want it to be), in fact it isn’t necessarily about me at all. The focus will always be on Mistress, on her friends, on all women. I simply need to do what I know best, what I was made for – be a good boy, submit, and obey. It’s as easy as that. Thanks for reading.

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