Resolutions, Day 71

And we’re back! Now, where was I? Oh, yes, that’s right, I was musing on what my submission means to me. Which, to be clear, is not just a list of my kinks. Believe me, I certainly can, have, and will again go on about getting bred, or whored out, or etc. – but that’s not necessarily what I’m trying to talk about here. This is more… figuring out what exactly I’m trying to get out of submission (other than bred).

And I still think it mainly circles back around to the idea of service. Being useful to, and used by, another person, being what they desire. But also, my identity is pretty inextricably linked to being a slut, as well. And there’s certainly some overlap there – the aforementioned whoring out, for an example. Generally slutty tasks, for Mistress to amuse herself with, stuff like that. I admit, though, that I do sometimes find it difficult to balance my eagerness to please with… patience, I suppose would be a good word for it? I’m often checking in with Mistress to see if there’s anything I can do for her, and while I genuinely do mean that and am solely focused on providing pleasure to her, I worry that I come across as too needy, wanting too many tasks from her, that they’re more for my benefit than hers. Because I do obviously benefit from receiving those tasks – they’re feeding my submission and all. At the same time, though, I don’t want her to be in the position of having to chase me up with orders – although I admit the idea of receiving a text out of the blue with things she wants me to do does sound pretty appealing. I don’t know what I want!

One thing I have enjoyed seeing a lot of on Twitter recently is lifestyle Dommes and their personal subs. This really ties pretty perfectly into the casual femdom idea I’ve mentioned on here a few times – and I think between planned out sessions and spontaneous casual domination times, that’s definitely my preference. I still love big planned out things, don’t get me wrong – one of my fondest D/s memories is still the time Mistress set up the premiere for l’Objet d’Art – called me up live, had me blindfolded, open mouth gagged, and Hushed, before playing me this custom session that I had little to no idea about. It was spectacular, and I still think about it often. But on a day to day basis, I really do love the idea of casual lifestyle femdom. Mistress Charlotte’s House Rules really act as that for me – they’re consistent throughout the day (as long as I’m at home, or if it’s Wednesday) but not mutually exclusive with other things – I can be collared and laying on the couch, or doing my actual laundry while she’s brainwashing me. It’s not exactly how it would be if I were there in-person – but then, a lot of things would be different in that case. I’m not so mindfucked that I expect lifestyle attention from a professional, btw – I know full well that Mistress deserves to be compensated for her time and energy, and I’m incredibly thankful to belong to her.

…I don’t know if I really got down the ideas I started with when I thought about this topic. I know I wanted to say some things about submission and what it means to me, but I think ultimately some of it is too private to share here, even on a blog that statistically, nobody is reading. That’s fine though, just means I can be a little lax with it on occasion. Thanks for reading.

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