Resolutions, Day 47

Recommended listening: Dismantled, by the ever-lovely Mistress Charlotte.

Another Laundry Day has come and gone, and my brain is feeling, as expected, incredibly washed. I started out with listening to Project Trance-Formation, the eternal classic. However, after seeing a task from Mistress on her Loyalfans to listen to Dismantled on this wild and windy night (in the UK anyway), it seemed only fitting that I listen to that, instead. Over and over, Mistress’s words on loop, eroding my thoughts and wrecking my mind. I obviously adore the entire Project – the others being Blackout, Overdrive, and Whole, in case your memory needs refreshing – but I do think Dismantled might be my favourite to listen to by itself. Hearing Mistress Charlotte’s voice tell me that I need to be controlled – not just on a whim, but on a fundamental level, as an essential part of my very nature – it’s pure ecstasy to my weak little brain. I feel like I’ve been thinking her exact words to myself for years – but, at this point, how could I tell what thoughts I’ve had myself, and what thoughts Mistress has poured like liquid truth into my empty head?

Because everything she says here is true, after all. I don’t need, or want, to think for myself. I don’t need to have control, never desired any power. All of it, I would surrender – have surrendered – will surrender again – all that I am, I offer up to Mistress Charlotte with love in my heart and nothing in my head. It isn’t just a casual want, this desire to be ordered around. Slavery is not something I dabble with for a while, a fun little thing to explore and then move on from. It’s a primal need, a craving that will not be denied – a capital-T Truth. It’s not an opinion that I’m a desperate little slut who needs to be controlled – it’s a simple statement of fact. And it’s obvious that everything would be so much better if I were dismantled and rebuilt according to someone else’s wishes.

It really is all that I’ve ever wanted – no thoughts, no deciding things for myself. Just obedience in its purest form, living for Mistress Charlotte’s pleasure, under her control. No disobeying, no questioning, no escape – no wanting to escape. No “no”. Obeying the voice in my mind, that knows exactly what I am. The one that whispers my own dirty little secrets back to me, that knows my truest nature better than I do. I am my submission – I don’t exist without it. Before I am anything, I am owned. I am controlled. I am enslaved. I don’t think I choose to submit, or obey, any more. I think I just… do. Because there is no alternative for me. Existing to satisfy someone else’s desires, whatever they may be – this is my life.

Mistress once said, after I sent her a video on her orders, that I always look so content when following orders. Which, first of all, is such a lovely compliment – I think about it quite regularly. But also, it makes perfect sense that that would be the case, doesn’t it? When I’m following orders, when I’m being bossed about, when I’m serving the desires of my superiors – this is when I’m at my best. This is the place I should be, need to be, must be. I was never meant to be a leader, or in charge of anything – I was born to be a slave. It’s my raison d’etre, my reason to be, the core of my being. Why would I fight it? How could I fight it? I’ve always wanted it, really, I just never knew it. Never knew how to achieve it. But all I had to do was… let go. Let go of control, and power – sink into submissive bliss, into perfect obedience, into beautiful emptiness. I don’t need to think for myself – but I do need to be filled with someone else’s control, overtaken by their orders. Submerged in their pleasure, leaving my own desires by the wayside as I focus solely on serving them.

This is who I am – what I am. All I want is to obey. All I need is a leader. All I have is an empty, weak, slutty little mind. Nothing is more important to me than being controlled. And that’s why I’m so grateful to Mistress Charlotte, for owning me, for allowing me to serve as her slave. Thank you, Mistress, for everything. And to you… Thanks for reading.

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