Howdy, y’all! Back for Day 2! Two-day streak! Woohoo!
This one’s also gonna be kind of a downer!
Sorry, I know that’s really not what this blog is supposed to be about, and I doubt it’s what Miss Pearl had in mind when she suggested this idea for me. But it’s something I kinda need to get off my chest, so… sorry!
Frankly I’ve been a little down recently – sorry if this gets a little weird and personal, but I think the context is important.
I’ve alluded to this in a couple of places, but the general gist is: I’m still adjusting to the MUCH higher living expenses that come with my nice little apartment (~50% of my wages!), and between that, the general cost of moving in, and the few months I was between jobs – I’m realising that while I thought I was doing alright, I did really terribly at actually saving any money over the course of my last job. It didn’t feel irresponsible or anything at the time, but looking at the results (or lack thereof) now, I’m really just embarrassed and disappointed in myself. I keep sort of spiralling through “why didn’t you save more” to “why did you rent such an expensive apartment” to “why did you spend so much on [x]” to “*general self-deprecation*”, and to be honest it kinda sucks. This has led to, among other things, not really being able to enjoy much submissive stuff recently.
So that’s my first resolution, I think – figure out a budget that balances rent, building my savings back up, staying alive (important!), and being able to play with / support my Mistress, all in a responsible manner.
At the end of the day, though, while I do have some regrets about my actions, looking at it closely there’s not really much I would change, for the most part. This apartment is pricey, yes, but I knew what I wanted when I started looking – a one bedroom place, without having to share space with other people, that was also within walking distance of work / shops etc. – to find somewhere with all of that was always going to be expensive. Plus, I’m in a city again, which I love, and I’m with my friends, and I’ve got a job I really enjoy… Those are the sorts of things worth spending money on, I think.
And, yes, looking back, I definitely should’ve saved more and spent less. And while not ALL of my over-spending was kink-related, it was the majority, unfortunately. I certainly *should’ve* spent less on D/s stuff, and been more strict about putting some into savings more regularly – if I could go back and tell Past Me to dial that down a little, I probably would. But I’ve also been able to support (and spoil) some people that I care a lot about, and that really means a lot to me. I’ve certainly adored every second that’s brought. But doing so at the expense of my Mistress’s property is when it’s gone too far – and that’s something that I really should have picked up on and been more conscious of earlier. I’ll do better going forward – I have to.
I had a really good chat with a fellow sub while I was in the middle of writing this. I said that I felt I had wasted the past few years through being irresponsible – and they shut me down pretty quickly. They asked if I’d enjoyed those years, and while I knew where they were going with this (“if you enjoyed it, it wasn’t a waste”) – they continued on, in a way that made me think. Even though I made a mistake – a big one – I know where I’m going from here. I can make a plan, I’ve got a goal in mind, I know what I need to do. I just have to do it. I made a mistake, but I’m capable of fixing it. And that’s what I’m going to do. Thanks, Azzy.
So, full disclosure – I actually originally wrote all of this yesterday for Resolutions, Day 1, but then I decided it wouldn’t be a great first entry. SINCE writing that, though, I’ve had a lovely chat with Mistress Charlotte where I basically outlined half the shit I went through here. We talked it over, and decided on a bit of a plan of action for me to work through while getting all my affairs in order. She also said a few things that’ve stuck with me, most notably asking if I had any regrets about the past few years (which I mostly don’t) and emphasising that wallowing in guilt – over choices I enjoyed, that are well in the past – is not helpful.
All of that was really, really good for me. I came out the other side feeling much better about myself, which is great. I’m really glad to be a part of this little community of pervs, and feeling proud to call myself one of you!
…and that’s about thirty minutes! Sorry, this one got kinda sad too, huh? It’s just some stuff I feel like I needed to get out there – I know between yesterday’s and this it looks like I’m setting a trend, but I promise they won’t ALL be like this. Thanks for reading.